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I think the reason why I couldn’t ‘find myself’ in my English literature program in college is because it wasn’t the right environment for me. It wasn’t because I wasn’t smart enough or diligent enough to succeed in this academic opportunity; it was mainly because it wasn’t suited for me; it wasn’t suited for my talents, interests, and abilities. I actually have cognitive defects due to my mental health condition, too; and so this personal shortcoming contributed to my lack of real ability towards ‘serious’ cognitive coursework. While I was in college, I tried out editing with different magazines and small presses; teaching/tutoring; and grant writing, to some extent. I also did ‘miscellaneous’ volunteer work with a mental health nonprofit (I volunteered with certain office- and event-related tasks); and I did graphic design work for several small organizations and groups in my locality. -I hadn’t really managed to find myself in any of those activities, mainly due to the aforementioned reasons; lack of strong interest, and lack of real ability to do well in those fields, because of my mental health issue.

I have very little use for my bachelor’s degree, now. Other than a piece of paper, a degree conferral piece of paper, I have very little to show for the years I spent in college. I realized by my second year of college that I struggle with cognitive tasks like reading and writing. I was a literature major, though I switched majors near the end of my program to liberal arts and sciences, which is a more all-encompassing and wholistic program of study. I took classes in English literature, writing composition, social sciences, and communication studies. Those are the four areas that I like to group my program into; these four “concentration areas.” I also had to take gen eds, like math, science, history, world religions and/or philosophy, and so on. (These are considered ‘gen eds’ to me, since I was not majoring or focusing on those areas. Almost everyone has to do gen eds, I guess…although I am strongly of the opinion that they should be abolished across all colleges. We already took ‘gen eds’ in high school; why take them again at a college level? It’s useless; it’s a waste of time and money.)

| I actually don’t feel that my bachelors degree in English literature (and liberal studies) was a complete waste; at least it showed me what I don’t want, in terms of careers and professional fields. I don’t want to go into editing; teaching; paralegal work; grant writing; library science; nonprofit program coordination; content writing; or anything related to those fields. My time spent in undergrad and my volunteer and internship work decisively showed me that I am simply not cut out for those types of fields. This might have been the real ‘point’ of my studies in literature//liberal arts and sciences, I feel. (And of my small-scale extracurricular work; my editing work, my teaching/tutoring work, and so on.) This is the true benefit that I got out of it, I guess. Once you know what you don’t want, the areas that are more ‘for you’ become clearer. | I’ve now managed to ‘cross off’ about one-half of all professions and disciplines in life, in terms of their compatibility with me. This is an impressive feat. I’ve crossed off all of the ‘intensive reading and writing’ related fields; I’ve crossed off the mental-labor-related and “cognitive” fields. (Ones wherein you’re compelled to extensively read, write, revise your thoughts, research the relevant issues at hand, talk and communicate with different people, and etc., in hopes of solving a problem or furthering a certain cause, or advancing a discipline in the best possible way. One is often put in a position wherein she’s expected to extensively and expansively engage in those kinds of cognitive functions, when one is in those kinds of fields. S(he)’s expected to further the mission of her profession; lots of mental labor. I don’t think this sort of thing is the best choice for me; there are other options, in life.)

I’m glad the road is starting to pave, in front of me. Or, at least, that the many dead-end paths in front of me are starting to close off; there’s no chance of my ever going down those paths, anymore. They’ve vanished, thankfully. -As you start to walk on the way, the way appears. -Rumi.

I’m better at working with my hands, rather than with more-theoretical and rhetorical endeavors, like the written word and so on. I’ve actually been involved in producing drawings and infographics for many years of my life, and it had went rather well for me; it felt natural and unbothered. I feel that I’m better at engaging with more-physical, tactile, sensory tasks–for example, with sketching out a diagram or a graph on a physical paper, and then transferring the visual content to digital format on the computer, using a visual design software program. (A graphic design software program, for example.) But my follow-through with connecting complex thoughts and points into a coherent paper or conversation; my synaptic capabilities; my ability to produce advanced theoretical and conceptual work; is poor. It’s a mixture of lack of interest and pure inability, I think. This is why I am starting to consider going into things like architectural drafting, graphic design, and etc. I recently began to look into completing an online program in architectural drafting. If this doesn’t go well for me—if I find this particular niche too difficult for me, this auxiliary work in architectural drawing; subsidiary work within the field of architecture—then I’ll just decide on graphic design, I think. I’ll specialize in data visualization, and advertising design/product packaging. But I hope the drafting discipline in particular goes well for me; I hope I manage to find my zone with that field. It definitely looks stimulating and challenging enough. I just hope it’s do-able enough for me, and that I’m able to thrive and flourish in it. You have to find that ‘in the zone’ phenomenon, wherein you’re stimulated and challenged enough, and yet ‘at ease’ and joyous enough, content enough. If it’s too challenging and ‘not suitable with what you’ve managed to acquire so far of particular skills and abilities’–quantitive and spacial reasoning skills, for example–then it won’t be do-able. On the other hand, if it’s too easy and unstimulating, then you won’t feel that you’re utilizing your full potential in life. You’ll feel that you’re using or giving 15% of your talents and abilities, instead of 100%.

It’s often difficult to find that sweet spot, I guess; it requires volunteer work, and internships, and immersion experiences with the career—perhaps through job shadowing and other observational experiences. Oftentimes, it’s through rooting out where you don’t belong that you then realize where you can belong, or where you can possibly find joy and a sense of meaningfulness and suitability; fulfillment and full use of potential. -As you start to walk on the way, the way appears. -Rumi.

~

Link to “my final essay from my creative writing class” (it’s similar to what i stated, here): https://findingapeacefulplace.wordpress.com/2021/12/27/c-final-essay-from-my-creative-writing-class-3-😢🙏🏽-😞🌼🏵🐣/